Time to Act

Yesterday was a very bad day.

I wasn’t feeling very chipper when I woke up. I’d been suffering from a kidney infection since last Monday; my period had started on Thursday ( I suppose I should be thankful I'm not completely dried up yet), and Friday’s work activities had borne witness to a whole load of shit being flung against the fan ready for a nice long fester over the Bank Holiday weekend. All of this against the back-drop of a lack of effective communication between me and Mr H which exacerbated everything.

I woke with a feeling of general gloom and despondency. Mr H has been off work following a voluntary redundancy in October. It was most definitely voluntary and something that he been hoping for for some time, having fallen out of love with the company he’d worked for for 30 years. But it’s not been an easy 6 months. He has lost his sense of self-worth, which was already fragile following the events of the last few years. In his ‘sabbatical’ he has taken on the role of ‘maid’ as he calls it. For the last two weeks, a huge pile of clean, dry but unfolded and un-ironed laundry has been growing on my dining room table. Apparently, this maid doesn’t do folding or ironing.

Looking at the massive slag heap every night is a cause of anxiety and irritation. In fairness to him, for the past 29 years I’ve adopted a similar approach, except I curate the washing into neat(ish) piles, so it’s not quite so offensive. I decided that I would tackle the mountain and create some sense of order and space. At the end of it I felt a sense of achievement but the irritation still lingered. I am such a hypocrite.

My next task was to help my son organise and research his college assignment. We’d recently had to meet with college because he wasn’t turning up for lessons. His reasons were a lack of any recognition of his learning needs related to ADHD, poor support and ‘rubbish’ teaching. It was an awkward meeting.

We came up with a plan for No 1 son catching up on missed work and finishing his course. All very positive considering. Only …..No 1 son does have to get the work done.... Cue me, ....coralling, encouraging, cajoling, and not only leading the horse to water, but splashing it in the face with reams of internet searching, assignment plans and other sources of ‘help’.

As I started helping him research his assignment, I had a telephone call. It was Claire my lovely hairdresser.

‘Hi …. er… we had you down for an appointment 30 mins ago. Is everything Ok?’

Oh shit! Completely slipped my mind. Much grovelling and feeling a bit of a numpty but it happens to everyone, right?

‘Don’t worry,. l’ve got an appointment free at 1030. Is that any good to you? ‘.

‘Oh amazing! Yes thanks. That would be wonderful. I’ll be there’…. and then stupidly I returned to my research activities.

2 hours later I had another call.

‘Hi, er, we rescheduled? Is there a problem…..? ……… Fuck.

I put down the phone and tears started to roll down my face. What is happening to me …? What kind of idiot can do that? It was one of those moments when a veil briefly lifted and Mr H noticed how much pressure I am feeling at the moment. He showed genuine concern. Kind words are funny things…. I so wanted to hear his encouragement and support but was overwhelmed by how much I had missed him being there for me in any kind of emotional sense. I was swamped by a feeling of hopelessness. and deep sadness.

The rest of the day was an emotional rollercoaster.

I continued to cry as I got into the car on a trip to B&Q ( I know how to live) and was still crying 25 mins later when we pulled into the car park.

Later that day there was an extraordinarily hysterical outburst when my son tried to play fight with me sending the dog haring towards me, knocking over a pile of freshly folded and ironed clothes ( Yes those clothes).

Another evil outburst when I accused my youngest of taking my phone charger again (screaming like a banshee with pure frustration) only for him to walk calmly over and show me where mine was still plugged into the socket.

I am such a poor excuse for a human being right now. It is very ugly.

And I know I need help.