Where is this headed?

Frankly I don’t really know how this blogging lark will go, and whether you and I will get along. But I have an overwhelming need to share, discuss and generally vent during a period in my life that i’m finding ….well…. pretty traumatic.

I recognise that it sounds a bit melodramatic. I know there are lots of people in the world suffering real trauma and I don’t mean to diminish that by saying that I’m going through anything the same. I’m lucky in so very many ways, I know that. But I do feel that my life is undergoing some kind of seismic shift ; a disintegration of pretty much everything that I had thought it was.

For most of my 52 years I’ve been described as ‘calm’, ‘level-headed’ ‘considered’ ‘pragmatic’ ‘philosophical’ ‘flexible’ . These are words that I associate myself with TBH. Maybe a bit boring and vanilla, but a reasonable person, of reasonable intelligence and ability, doing a reasonable job, holding down a reasonable career. Someone who looks after her family in the best way she can, juggling the many facets of life as so many women do. I’m not a super-mum, or any kind of modern-day heroine. Just a normal wife, mother, sister, daughter. I’m not really prone to hysterics or big dramas. I generally try to take life as it comes and get on with things. A proverbial swan…..

Only …. right now…. i just can’t cope with very much at all. I want to explode with a range of feelings I don’t really understand and can’t control. There are some days when I could literally KNIFE some people smack between the shoulder blades. It’s such a visceral feeling. A really scary, visceral feeling. I am NOT me. I’m really not feeling like me ! …. and I certainly don’t like me right now. Frankly I scare myself.

There are other feelings…not just the anger, but the complete befuddlement I can feel at times. The forgetfulness, the confusion, the clear dumb stupidness of me lately. WHO IS THIS WOMAN?????? I don’t like her one bit. She’s not the person I was, am or want to be, but I can’t control her. Believe me, I’ve tried.

Personally I don’t think women talk about the menopause and the impact it has on their lives enough. Its our own fault that the menopause is boiled down to bad jokes about hot flushes and the night sweats and the concept of a ‘Mad Mary’ who puts her car keys in the rubbish bin ( I actually did that by the way - I was looking for those keys for 2 whole days). It’s our own fault that society doesn’t really understand or recognise the serious impact the menopause can have on some women’s lives. If you’re finding the menopause a breeze…. well… Hooray for you and well done ! But it’s not like that for lots of us. Many, many women lose jobs, husbands, children, homes, friends, without realising that the menopause has anything to do with it all.….. All because we aren’t more open about the emotional and spiritual ramifications that partner the physical symptoms of the menopause. These aren’t necessarily things we can ‘fix’ or find a pill for. But if we don’t acknowledge them, we can’t understand them. If we don’t understand them we can’t deal with them.

Now, before you get scared off, I don’t want this to be a boring and depressing tome on the third cycle of life and the use of evening primrose oil and weekend spiritual retreats by the way. But I’m a big believer in honesty and it starts here! And I hope it helps others of you who are finding this much harder than they ever imagined, or indeed were led to believe.

It would be great if this became a conversation (ideally shared over a large glass of Pinot. ….or two….. or …..sod it…..the whole bottle! ).

Talking of which …..until the next time …. Cheers!

#perspective #outlook #menopause